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Wed, Feb. 18th, 2009, 11:22 am
I wish I was a little bit stronger....

To say the last few weeks have been difficult is the understatement of the millenium.  I have had a severe flare up of my IBS.  When I say severe, I mean food, water, anything I ate did not remain in my body for more than a few minutes to an hour or so.  Finally, last wednesday I went to Chambersburg hospital where I was put through the seventh layer of hell and released a few hours later not much better to be honest.  Thursday, I was still very ill but was trying desperately to work through it.  Friday, I finally lost it and ended up being admitted to Harrisburg Hospital.

It hasn't been bad here.  The doctors took me seriously, the nurses have been amazingly supportive and frankly I am more comfortable knowing the baby (Josh) and I are getting the best care possible.  Even with iv's I was still doing very badly so I was moved to peripheral nutrition.  I am getting vitamins, fats, proteins, etc through an iv.  It has made a pretty big difference in how I've felt since I was finally getting SOMETHING decent into my body.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to make the progress necessary and I am having a picc line put in tomorrow.  I am scared shitless because it's a catheter that goes into your subclavian vein.  For the time being, I will be getting all of my nutrition through my veins.  I hope it's not permanent, and my doctors really don't believe it will be.  It's a matter of getting my stomach stable to get it removed, but unfortunately, when you have a baby growing inside of you, time is not on your side without help from this kind of nutrition.

I am going to stay with my parents and get this nutrition at home for the time being,  Dan works a lot and so I spend most of my days alone and these things can be prone to complications.  I'd be home with my mom all day and I would never have to be alone.  I feel like I am being forced between keeping my family together and doing what is best for Josh and I right now and it has been the hardest decision of my life.  I know it's just temporary but it doesn't make it any easier.  There are just so many questions left unanswered like am I going to get better or am I stuck like this for the next five months?  Will I be able to eat solid food again before Josh is born?

I wish I could say I was taking this well but that would be a terrible lie.  Sometimes, I just break into tears for absolutely no good reason.  I just get so frustrated and tired of this that I can't handle it.  I feel like I am letting Dan down for being sick, and letting Josh down for being sick, and yet there is really nothing I can do about it.  I am scared for him, and selfishly scared for me.  There are days I don't even want him, and the guilt I feel over that is enormous. 

The only relief I get in this situation are the strong little kicks I feel in my tummy all of the time.  Josh is healthy and growing fine, it's his mommy that's suffering.  It reminds me that I am not doing this for nothing.  I would absolutely go to hell and back if it meant he was going to be safe and okay and it appears that is exactly what I am doing right now.

Pulling myself up by the bootstraps is all I can realistically do and I am trying.  My tears are not a sign of giving up but of trying harder.  I am not done yet, that is for sure.  I don't think I have ever loved anyone or anything more than this little monster inside of me. 

If you are the praying type, please say a little one for my family that we will get through this with everyone intact.  Pray that I will get through this procedure tomorrow this is currently scaring the living daylights out of me.  I just hope this is shortlived we can all get back to our lives much happier and healthier.

And hey, if I can handle this, I can definitely handle the whole birth thing.  (with an epidural of course)