To say the last few weeks have been difficult is the understatement of the millenium. I have had a severe flare up of my IBS. When I say severe, I mean food, water, anything I ate did not remain in my body for more than a few minutes to an hour or so. Finally, last wednesday I went to Chambersburg hospital where I was put through the seventh layer of hell and released a few hours later not much better to be honest. Thursday, I was still very ill but was trying desperately to work through it. Friday, I finally lost it and ended up being admitted to Harrisburg Hospital.
It hasn't been bad here. The doctors took me seriously, the nurses have been amazingly supportive and frankly I am more comfortable knowing the baby (Josh) and I are getting the best care possible. Even with iv's I was still doing very badly so I was moved to peripheral nutrition. I am getting vitamins, fats, proteins, etc through an iv. It has made a pretty big difference in how I've felt since I was finally getting SOMETHING decent into my body.
Unfortunately, I have not been able to make the progress necessary and I am having a picc line put in tomorrow. I am scared shitless because it's a catheter that goes into your subclavian vein. For the time being, I will be getting all of my nutrition through my veins. I hope it's not permanent, and my doctors really don't believe it will be. It's a matter of getting my stomach stable to get it removed, but unfortunately, when you have a baby growing inside of you, time is not on your side without help from this kind of nutrition.
I am going to stay with my parents and get this nutrition at home for the time being, Dan works a lot and so I spend most of my days alone and these things can be prone to complications. I'd be home with my mom all day and I would never have to be alone. I feel like I am being forced between keeping my family together and doing what is best for Josh and I right now and it has been the hardest decision of my life. I know it's just temporary but it doesn't make it any easier. There are just so many questions left unanswered like am I going to get better or am I stuck like this for the next five months? Will I be able to eat solid food again before Josh is born?
I wish I could say I was taking this well but that would be a terrible lie. Sometimes, I just break into tears for absolutely no good reason. I just get so frustrated and tired of this that I can't handle it. I feel like I am letting Dan down for being sick, and letting Josh down for being sick, and yet there is really nothing I can do about it. I am scared for him, and selfishly scared for me. There are days I don't even want him, and the guilt I feel over that is enormous.
The only relief I get in this situation are the strong little kicks I feel in my tummy all of the time. Josh is healthy and growing fine, it's his mommy that's suffering. It reminds me that I am not doing this for nothing. I would absolutely go to hell and back if it meant he was going to be safe and okay and it appears that is exactly what I am doing right now.
Pulling myself up by the bootstraps is all I can realistically do and I am trying. My tears are not a sign of giving up but of trying harder. I am not done yet, that is for sure. I don't think I have ever loved anyone or anything more than this little monster inside of me.
If you are the praying type, please say a little one for my family that we will get through this with everyone intact. Pray that I will get through this procedure tomorrow this is currently scaring the living daylights out of me. I just hope this is shortlived we can all get back to our lives much happier and healthier.
And hey, if I can handle this, I can definitely handle the whole birth thing. (with an epidural of course)