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Tue, Dec. 15th, 2009, 07:30 pm
My kid pretty much rocks

He says mama. I know he has NO idea what he is saying but it's still cool. Josh is also starting to sit up and babble. He rocks so hard.

Thu, Mar. 19th, 2009, 12:45 pm
Finally, some happy news...

The tube is out the tube is out the tube is out!!! ::dances around::  I no longer have a foreign object in my body aside from the baby.  I guess he can stay.

Wed, Feb. 25th, 2009, 12:48 pm
Progress...baby steps

I've been home from the hospital for almost a week now.  I can't believe how far I've come already.  I am starting to eat more every single day and I am one step closer to getting this stupid iv out of my arm.  As of yesterday, I am officially 21 weeks pregnant.  Josh kicks me regularly nowadays especially at night.  I go Friday morning for another ultrasound.  This is the big one where they check his growth and all of his organs.  I know he's fine but I still get nervous.  Dan comes out here this weekend and I am excited!  I am just trying to keep eating so I can go back home :(

Wed, Feb. 18th, 2009, 11:22 am
I wish I was a little bit stronger....

To say the last few weeks have been difficult is the understatement of the millenium.  I have had a severe flare up of my IBS.  When I say severe, I mean food, water, anything I ate did not remain in my body for more than a few minutes to an hour or so.  Finally, last wednesday I went to Chambersburg hospital where I was put through the seventh layer of hell and released a few hours later not much better to be honest.  Thursday, I was still very ill but was trying desperately to work through it.  Friday, I finally lost it and ended up being admitted to Harrisburg Hospital.

It hasn't been bad here.  The doctors took me seriously, the nurses have been amazingly supportive and frankly I am more comfortable knowing the baby (Josh) and I are getting the best care possible.  Even with iv's I was still doing very badly so I was moved to peripheral nutrition.  I am getting vitamins, fats, proteins, etc through an iv.  It has made a pretty big difference in how I've felt since I was finally getting SOMETHING decent into my body.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to make the progress necessary and I am having a picc line put in tomorrow.  I am scared shitless because it's a catheter that goes into your subclavian vein.  For the time being, I will be getting all of my nutrition through my veins.  I hope it's not permanent, and my doctors really don't believe it will be.  It's a matter of getting my stomach stable to get it removed, but unfortunately, when you have a baby growing inside of you, time is not on your side without help from this kind of nutrition.

I am going to stay with my parents and get this nutrition at home for the time being,  Dan works a lot and so I spend most of my days alone and these things can be prone to complications.  I'd be home with my mom all day and I would never have to be alone.  I feel like I am being forced between keeping my family together and doing what is best for Josh and I right now and it has been the hardest decision of my life.  I know it's just temporary but it doesn't make it any easier.  There are just so many questions left unanswered like am I going to get better or am I stuck like this for the next five months?  Will I be able to eat solid food again before Josh is born?

I wish I could say I was taking this well but that would be a terrible lie.  Sometimes, I just break into tears for absolutely no good reason.  I just get so frustrated and tired of this that I can't handle it.  I feel like I am letting Dan down for being sick, and letting Josh down for being sick, and yet there is really nothing I can do about it.  I am scared for him, and selfishly scared for me.  There are days I don't even want him, and the guilt I feel over that is enormous. 

The only relief I get in this situation are the strong little kicks I feel in my tummy all of the time.  Josh is healthy and growing fine, it's his mommy that's suffering.  It reminds me that I am not doing this for nothing.  I would absolutely go to hell and back if it meant he was going to be safe and okay and it appears that is exactly what I am doing right now.

Pulling myself up by the bootstraps is all I can realistically do and I am trying.  My tears are not a sign of giving up but of trying harder.  I am not done yet, that is for sure.  I don't think I have ever loved anyone or anything more than this little monster inside of me. 

If you are the praying type, please say a little one for my family that we will get through this with everyone intact.  Pray that I will get through this procedure tomorrow this is currently scaring the living daylights out of me.  I just hope this is shortlived we can all get back to our lives much happier and healthier.

And hey, if I can handle this, I can definitely handle the whole birth thing.  (with an epidural of course)

Mon, Jun. 2nd, 2008, 03:14 am

Well I've been married for a year... crazy huh?

Fri, Feb. 22nd, 2008, 11:42 pm
I have a new theme song


Why by Jeremy Kushier

Another empty box of noise
Another relief from fantasy
Another believing fool, believing in you and me
Again it's just like the first
The first time you fell in love
The minute you look too close
The sky falls down from above

Why is every time I think about you so lovely?
You find me everytime I go and close my eyes
Why is everytime I think about you?
I fall to pieces on the floor when will I see you my New York?

The sun has never been my friend
The moon is my only guiding light
I know it' getting near tht end but we still have tonight

Why is every time I think about you so lovely?
You find me everytime I go and close my eyes
Why is everytime I think about you?
I fall to pieces on the floor when will I see you my New York?

All these road that never end
They lead me back to you
And I can't help but cry
The more I am away I don't know why

I'm making for all my time
It isn't that it's lost it's gone
You're better when sun don't shine and when your nights are long

Why is every time I think about you so lovely?
You find me everytime I go and close my eyes
Why is everytime I think about you?
I stand there waiting at your door
When will I see you my New York?

Sat, Jul. 14th, 2007, 09:32 am
Blog Move

After years of blogging with Livejournal, I don't think I will be making any general posts on this journal anymore. I like blogger more because I can very easily put pics within my blog posting. The new addy is: http://homeoft.blogspot.com/

Wed, Jul. 11th, 2007, 05:05 am

Body, why do you not sleep before a trip to the city.... bastard.

Tue, Jun. 26th, 2007, 12:42 am
Girl Positive- wow...

I just finished watching Girl Positive on Lifetime. I had no idea it would make my mind so crazy.... It brought back so many memories of my days working at Planned Parenthood...

Before I came to Ship, I used to work for Planned Parenthood as a Health Care Assistant. After working with them over many months, I had the opportunity to become trained as an HIV tester/counselor. I am able to draw blood, a very desirable skill as the results can go through even fewer hands (orasures and rapid tests were still pretty expensive at this point so they were mainly doing blood tests). The training was intense, 3 full work days of just plain HIV knowledge and terminology followed by shadowing for a good long while before you work alone. Then the real fun began.... role playing... Giving the whole generic speech about prevention, wearing gasloshes in the rain and getting retested in 6 months... blah blah blah... very easy, right? Unless you are a tester who gets someone that is positive... The ballgame changes pretty quickly then... I was only 21 at the time and had no clue how in the world I could even deliver such awful news. Sure, people live long lives now... this is not a death sentence...all of the new crap people say to make people feel better... This is still life altering, it's with you forever, and the drugs make you sick as a dog. How do you tell a young person that their life is radically different forever...that there is no fix, and yes that 1 mistake has changed everything. What if they start crying? I had no idea how I'd react and no role play in the world would EVER change that. I was lucky. In the time I was doing testing, I never had a positive person. I got to smile at them with good news and a bag of condoms. A quick stern warning about risky behaviors and a see ya in 6 months! I was lucky, but wow...just the thought sends chills up and down my spine.

I miss it there. It was tough work but I learned more about life and other people in that year than I have in the rest of my life.

If you have the chance you watch this movie, do it. It may make you want to chain up your kids in the basement, but its relatively realistic in its social aspects and the way things can spread in a high school (not so much in the HIV/AIDS testing process). And while I have your attention, wear condoms damnit...and get tested.

Sun, Jun. 24th, 2007, 10:51 am

It's been a very entertaining couple of days. Thursday we returned to Shippensburg from our long wedding/honeymoon. We had a most excellent time while we were away. Thursday we found our basement and garage completely flooded. It was so flooded, in fact, that the water drenched the carpet in our landing and it had to be removed. Almost everything in our basement and garage was completely soaked. Some of our things were actually salvageable but many were ruined. What was more upsetting than anything else was the fact that even some of the brand new things I was given at my bridal shower were ruined. Luckily, there wasn't too many valuable items down there. All of the electricity in the basement stopped working leaving our washer and dryer powerless. All of the clothes from the honeymoon need to be washed but oh well.. I really don't want to have to go to a laundromat when we paid what we did for that washer and dryer. Spoke with the landlord, electrician would be here first thing in the AM on Monday.

Last night, I was cleaning up the house. I sat on my couch and heard loud spraying/splashing noises. I went to the basement to find water pouring out of my hot water heater...again. This happened back in March-ish and they completely replaced the hot water heater. So in case anyone is keeping score, we now have no electricity in the basement and no hot water in the entire house. Life has been grand...let me tell you.. Called the landlord again to tell him the basement flooded AGAIN... he is going to send someone ASAP...but I am sure ASAP means tomorrow because today is Sunday and no one works on Sunday... Yeah.. I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown...

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